silently speaking

May 24, 2012

Everything is going to be okay. I had nothing, but traumatic emotional and physical events happen to me in the past year, I am allowed to be upset. I am allowed to mourn and dwell. The only thing I can do at this point is move forward, and smile…even when I am at my weakest. I have been strong my entire life, why call it quits now? The ones who hurt me, are cowards and gave up on me when I needed them most. “Quit”, is nonexistent in my vocabulary. I fight for what I love and what I believe. That is why and how I came so far in my life and my career path. Fuck the ones who hurt you intentionally. People who truly love you and never leave your side, are the ones who care and belong in your life. The ones who want the best for you, and want to see you happy. I am blessed to have such a great support system. I don’t have any negativity or individuals filling my head with things that will drag me down. My family, my friends, they only encourage true happiness for me.
I’ve got such an excellent future ahead of me, I will live each day to the fullest. I am learning to deal with the losses of this past year…I can never replace the one I carried, but I have the joy in knowing I will carry another. I will find love in my field and love in another person. I am awesome. My life is awesome. My future is awesome. Life full of surprises as it is confusing. The only way to make way through this journey is to ride the wave. Sometimes we may be above or below, but we can guide ourselves in the right direction.
I am excited for this summer. Some of the major research projects start in just a couple of weeks and have the honor in participating in them. I have been living the life of a single female, living freely and meeting some wonderful people. Never looking for love, I am confident in knowing I will find the one for me .

Here’s to getting healthy, being happy and continue being awesome.

Taking time aside for this…

Breaking away from studying, I just felt the need to write down some thoughts that have been circling over and over in my mind.

Recovering from such a rough year thus far, it seems that I just keep getting smacked in the face with more occurrences. I guess it’s life? Life, that has been unfair since the moment I was diagnosed with leukemia when I was 6 months old. Finals week, has never been so difficult. Trying to study for these exams, when all I can do is dwell. Dwell over what, you might say? I am finally comfortable in my own skin to say…we lose people in our lives, but that door is never shut without another door opening. So, do I have two door openings? My grandmother struggling, and sitting at this end of the phone…waiting, waiting for the worst. Even with me dialing out, sitting and listening to the ringer go on and on, what seems to be forever. Or, my heart whom I put into an individual, just ripping into pieces. Again, sitting and waiting. Waiting, with no time estimate. No ETA, or hopes. With situations I am able to control, I am going to just cut ties with the ones who hurt me, and fill this void with love, happiness and joy. Because, that is ultimately WHO I AM. I love life. I love to love. I love to smile. I love to be happy. After hours I spent dwelling all night, my eyes have opened. Red, burning eyes, finally opened. Life is too short to spend it dwelling. Do what makes you smile. Do what makes you happy. If something is missing, fill that void with something. Take up a new hobby, go read, ride roller coasters until you can no longer walk straight.

Thank god for my friends. I do not know what I would do without them. To be here when I am at my ultimate worst. Reaching up my hands, and they are right there to grab me and pull me out of the the emotional state of drowning. My ultimate oxygen, and I am so thankful.

Positive outlook today. At the worst of times. I am so glad I can finally see again.

Another year.

Really wasn’t expecting today to be a good day at all…But it turned out to be pretty awesome. Fuck all the bullshit. Fuck all the problems. Erase the ones who hurt you. I’m going to live my life and be that giggly little redhead that you all know me by. Life hands us the obstacles we face…even when they seem downright impossible to overcome, you will get through it. It makes us stronger people in the end, and it helps us face the future. I can’t complain about anything right now. I have a beautiful career ahead of me, and the most loving support system behind me 100%.

I love my family. I love my friends. I love my life.

Yeah, it’s life.

Let’s scribble down these thoughts so I can continue studying for the one thing that ultimately matters in my life. School.

Trauma, is what it has been for the past 6 month. 6 months, I will never fully grasp. I will never understand why everything had to happen the way they did. And I may be confused for a very long time. But, it’s life. It happened, and nothing can change that. The best way to handle this, is to accept it and move forward. What I’ve learned from this, I will use as tools for the future to only better myself and my future relationship with others. Sad, that I have lost some, but again…it’s life. Things happen. As cliche as it is, time heals all wounds. Though it may not be as fast as I want it to be…I will heal in time. Each day only gets better. Holding on and dwelling on what happened will only hinder progression and living my life. Yeah, that’s not happening.

Doing things for myself now. Since, in the end…that’s all you have, yourself. School full time, working full time and focusing on my career and my dreams. Dreams that are in an arms reach, nothing will or can stop me from achieving. With as much confusion as I am sitting on right now, the one thing I do know is that I will be successful, I will be happy and I will be where I want to be in my life. You, are in control of your life. You are in control of your actions, your words…if you make a mistake, or 10. It’s okay, you are only human. But LEARN from those mistakes. Move on and use those experiences as a means of wisdom.

If I have annoyed, angered, or upset anyone, please know that in my heart I sincerely apologize. And for those who have sat there to let me scream, vent, yell, cry…Thank you. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have had that when I didn’t have anyone. I love my friends and family more than life itself. I don’t know where I would be without you.

Letting go, turning the page and welcoming the fresh air

I’ll see you at the finish line.